Throw it away.

When I was 21 years old I had big dreams for myself. With a fresh degree in marketing and years of experience organizing volunteers towards building community, the next stop was saving the world.

21 year old minds. They’re so courageous and beautifully naive.

My plan was quickly derailed when Microsoft offered to fly me out to Seattle.

“No”. Was my response. I had other plans.

“It’s a free trip to Seattle. Just come, there’s no pressure to do anything else.” They said.

That’s all it took to convince my 21-year-old self who craved anonymity and the thrill of new environments. Purely because of the discomfort they provoked.

Fast-foward »

Microsoft offered me a job. And after some contemplation I accepted. Over the next five years, I grew from an overachieving college grad into a marketer, I made the leap from pre-install software to digital advertising, I sat two feet from Steve Ballmer as he ate Chex Mix whilst addressing Microsoft’s young marketing leaders, I got promotions, I was assigned my first direct report, I acquired a reasonable amount of stock ….

And I grew terribly, terribly unhappy.

For so many years I blamed the job. The company. Capitalism.
But never myself.

I got stuck in that space for several years. I bounced from one tech company to the next. I dipped my toes in the startup world. Got my first taste of building marketing, 0 to 1. By some definitions, I continued to realize “success” — I was building equity, my titles were getting more impressive, I was traveling the world on someone elses dime.

But it’s hard to feel successful when you’re depressed, unsatisfied, and lost. Luckily this was the era where unhealthy coping mechanisms were still all the rage. So I managed my reality, behind a cloud of smoke, one sip at a time.

Yet, I never stopped dreaming.

That 21-year-old who had different plans for herself was alive and well beneath all of the crud. She showed up on the dance floor, she poured herself onto blank canvases, she put things into words, she connected me to people that I’ll hold close forever. And, she inspired me to wake up every day.

Finally, in 2013, I let her out.

What I had failed to admit to myself all of those years was that it wasn’t about the jobs, the golden handcuffs, top down pressure, or even capitalism.

It was about me. I had become a victim to my own narrative. “My mortgage was a trap”. “I can’t walk away”. “I need to make a lot of money”. “I’m in too deep”.

I told myself I was “stuck”, and so I was.

Stuck in a reality that was suffocating me. Cubicles. Hierarchies. Neon lights. Titles. Ladders. Ceilings.

All for what? Fear?

Of being broke?
Of not finding another path?
Of disappointing my family?
Of being judged?
Of still being sad?

We all know what they say about fear.

Face it.
So, I decided to throw everything away.

At the time I owned roughly 1,000 shares of Microsoft stock at a price of $33.13. I sold every single one of them, became a Certified Pilates Instructor, and opened my own studio. I kept consulting as a safety net, but the real growth was happening within the studio walls. There I spent seven years helping people feel comfortable in their bodies, heal their pain {both physical + emotional}, and establish a communal safety net for themselves.

It wasn’t exactly saving the world. But it was a step in the right direction. An experience I wouldn’t change for the world. Not even the $417,000 in MSFT stock I could have had attached to my name had I played my cards differently.

So many of us are just a side-effect of our own lives. Going through the motions. Holding tight to our narratives so that we can escape the really hard stuff.

Throwing $417,000 away was the best thing that ever happened to me. Because it taught me the power of agency. The richness of a modest life. And, that when I need to, I can do it all over again.

What are you going to throw away?